Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
