Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
