I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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