I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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