dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
