I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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