I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
