Tell her she can't have a vagina
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
