So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
