turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
