literally had 100 drinks last night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
