WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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