The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
