apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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