Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
