i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
