I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
