You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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