I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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