well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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