so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
