Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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