You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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