I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
