I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You don't make any sense
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