i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
