I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
