At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
