I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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