Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She said her name was "party"
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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