Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
