I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
