I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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