there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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