She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
