dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
