you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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