Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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