Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
