Your face is a jimmy john
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
