Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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