Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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