I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I could make wine with my vomit
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
