Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
