omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
