When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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