If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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