Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
