mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
