i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
