Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
