Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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