i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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