Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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