yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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