I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
