Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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