I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
