Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
