Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
