I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
