Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
