i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
